Deciding to stay friends with your ex because you are not romantically over them- and want to leave the door open is not advisable because they will hold you back from being able to move on.
So, here are the reasons you should not attempt to be friends with your ex:
1. You cannot separate:
Taking time off from all contact immediately after a breakup is very crucial. This is the time to set boundaries. Having clear-cut rules of engagement is very important to heal. This detox time allows you to let go and grieve the loss of your relationship. This also helps in having some distance from your relationship which gives you a new perspective.
Even after taking that break, you still want to be friends with your ex, then you can think about it all over again.
2. One of you still has feelings for the other person:
Typically, one person wanted to break up immediately as compared to the other. Therefore, one of you will have feelings for the other. Spending time together when you have romantic desires can mess up everything. Just think about it: Are you spending a lot of time dressing up? Are you getting desirable to your ex before your platonic hangouts? If yes, then you are just not being friends, there’s much more to it.
Hanging out with your ex when there are romantic feelings in the direction prevents you from grieving the loss of the relationship. You need to experience this to let things go. This creates a sense of denial about whether or not this relationship is over. So, to be available for a healthy relationship, you should first grieve the loss of any relationship and then decide.
3. You still hook up:
After a breakup, there is hardly any sexual chemistry left. When a breakup is recent, the sexual chemistry is still there. This complicates the “just friends” endeavor if there is hardly any possibility of adding ‘benefits’ to it. If it is not a clean break, there is no possible pathway for a friendship to strike.
4. You are looking for a serious relationship with a new person:
When you are spending time with your ex, it means that you have less time and energy to meet new partners. Plus, when your emotional needs are being met with the existing partner, you are less likely to open your heart and give any chance to suitable matches. People who still have longing feelings towards their exes tend to less successfully meet better people.
It is fair for new partners to be uncomfortable with you thinking about your ex. That energy should be utilized to share a new healthy relationship that has the potential for a new future.
5. You are invested in it, whether your ex is dating again:
People stay friends with their former partners to keep an eye on their home’s dating life and attempt to influence it. People tend to be more likely to want to stay close to their ex-partners. But spending time with an ex keeps on invoking only dating anxieties and is very harmful.
6. Your friendship feels like a consolation prize:
If you started as romantic partners, downgrading it to a friendship level can be slightly difficult. A friendship where romantic desires are present lower the quality of the bond you have with your ex. This means that you will have to be honest with yourself about whether or not you still have feelings for your ex.
So, can you and your ex stay friends?
This is the most important question you should ask yourself because it’s your life.
Will you be able to see yourself going out to dinner to celebrate with your ex and their new partner- even when you are single? This is the ultimate litmus test you should take. If you cannot honestly answer that take some time out and think about it.
Ideally, you should wait 6 to 12 months after a breakup before even taking this call. And if there ever was any abuse in the relationship, then do not ask about it at all. Just move on.
