Hi Kiara!
With my girlfriend, I cheated. I’m a cheater, and I’ll never get over it. I am not deserving of mercy. I simply don’t deserve her! I’m about to lose the only person in this world I can’t live without because I made the biggest mistake of my life.
The background is that I became too close to a coworker and allowed my baser emotions to rule me. We were together ten or twelve times, and I kept making up excuses in my thoughts. Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing, but I wanted “strange” sex out of selfishness before the possibility of never having it again vanished completely. My girlfriend once had a sexual encounter with a man in a pub. I’m aware that’s not even close to being on par with what I did. Simply put, I believe it was a part of my ridiculous justification. I feel bad about myself.
Even though I broke up with the other girl the day I was discovered, it’s clear that my girlfriend no longer has faith in me. I can’t say that I blame her. She claims she is unable to ever trust me again. She claims she is unsure whether it would matter if I gave her all of my passwords and went to counseling. The toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with was realizing I crushed her heart.
She wants me to wait to contact or text her until she decides what she wants to do because she is taking some time to consider her options. I’m providing her with the room she requested. I simply hope I can reassure you when we speak again.
Astray!
Hi Astray!
I appreciate your writing. I’m not here to pass judgment. In addition, judgment clouds comprehension.
I recognize your regret. This does not imply that I want to minimize the damage your actions have brought about for the three parties involved—including yourself and, presumably, your coworker. Sometimes these behaviors point to a more serious problem that cannot be fixed by changing the offending behavior.
During this “trial” period that your girlfriend requires, I implore you to put yourself first. (I would interpret the fact that she didn’t end it abruptly as a positive sign. You two must have developed a close relationship before you had your affair.)
The relatively straightforward human wants that are concealed by sexuality, which itself becomes a means of attachment to a desired person, may surprise you. Maybe having a sexual relationship with your coworker was a method to comfort the part of you that felt “less than.” Maybe you didn’t want to take a chance by being vulnerable with your partner. (Remember that this is all just conjecture. I’m just thinking back on instances I’ve seen throughout the years.)
You also refer to yourself as “the lowest of the low,” which suggests that you may have struggled with your self-worth or maybe had some self-loathing before all of this began. What was dormant is confirmed by the behavior. It seems as though a part of you was encouraging you to act inappropriately with your coworker. In any case, you don’t deserve your girlfriend. Why not? You’ll only lose her once she learns who the real you are. I imagine all of this contributed to your justification.
Or, there was a rebellion against feeling inferior (No woman will tell me what I can or can’t do!) was a phrase that you might use to declare your independence before saying anything “forever.” It’s possible that these two (or more) threads were entwined in this sexual diversion.
Regarding “fixing” your girlfriend’s trust concerns, taking bold action would go a long way towards demonstrating to her that you are serious: a sincere effort to comprehend not just that your behavior was hurtful, but that something else was “off”—and owning it, investigating it, and working on it. The fortitude to face one’s psychological challenges is unmatched. How many people are simply too afraid or unwilling to do this never ceases to amaze me. Many would rather simply “swipe left” or “change the channel” and move on.
You may demonstrate to her that you want to grow from this crisis by stating that you want to utilize it as a chance to better understand who you are, which would ultimately increase your sexual and romantic options. Instead of holding her to a level you can never meet (which could lead to unconsciously stressful thoughts, resentment, self-criticism, etc.), you might even start to see her as an equal.
The worst thing you can do is try to hastily put all of this back in the closet. By doing this, it is nearly guaranteed to occur again in some other way. There is nothing innately “bad” about what is causing this, I can promise you. With some assistance and effort, you might find that what’s going on is quite human.
Be patient and understanding of your girlfriend’s needs in the interim. Indeed, talking is cheap. Prove to her that you’ll go above and beyond to make this right. Respecting her needs during this trying period will be the first step towards regaining her trust. You will be more ready to succeed if you use the time to improve yourself.
Thank you!
Kiara
