QUESTION

Hi Kiara,

I recently went on an in-person Bumble date with a handsome man a few days ago, and he pointed out to me: “You should make it clear that you are plus-sized in your bio.” It appalled me to no end. Do I need to disclose to the world that I am not thin? Why am I required to do so?

Love,

Buse!

ANSWER

Hi Buse,

It was unacceptable how your date treated you and made such a dehumanizing comment. You are not required to specify your size in writing. There is no need for you to distill your true, beautiful essence into a confession. Or, if he comes to know about your body, he may choose not to “burden” himself with it.

Your body, however, is neither a burden nor a confession.

You can clearly see that your date is dealing with his own insecurities, which explains – but doesn’t excuse – his hideous behavior. Regardless of how comfortable you are with your body, receiving a text like this is painful and cutting. Having a partner who loves you exactly as you are is what you deserve. Those who make such statements right out of the gate are ill-prepared for fatphobia. Tell me, your LinkedIn bio isn’t the same as your Instagram bio, right? It’s the same with dating; it’s a far more personal endeavor than revealing your body size.

True that nowadays, appearances and physical presence are more prominent than the noteworthy qualities of a person. For example, take Vidya Balan, a highly talented and well-known Padma Awardee and Hindi film actor who asked in a recent interview, “How can you tell I haven’t exercised?” “Have you seen how hard I exercise? What challenges have I been facing? For years, I haven’t been able to lose weight due to my hormonal problem.” She wonders why people don’t see the positive aspect of her acting talent and congratulate her rather than point out how much fat she has gained.

There is no place for body shaming, and everyone ought to learn how to respond to it, no matter how thick their skin may be. Here are some tactics for boosting your self-confidence:

You don’t have to explain yourself to people.

It’s not required to justify your body shape, size, or weight to anyone, nor should you promise to change. The way you look is none of anyone’s business except your own. When someone insults your body shape, it’s probably because they’re low on self-esteem themselves. Don’t let it affect how you feel about yourself.

Don’t forget to love yourself.

Rather than analyzing why they said what they did, or contemplating whether their comments were true, ask yourself, “Do you love yourself?” If you do, nothing else should matter. Power comes from self-love and uniqueness. The next time someone’s body shames you, use it as an opportunity to become more self-loving. Embrace yourself so fiercely that these comments no longer bother you!

Act when necessary.

Body shamers should be blocked, blocked, and blocked! Know when to cut someone out of your life when it comes to family and friends. Is that friend who commented on your weight really your friend? Let them go if the comments don’t stop. Friends should have a positive influence on your life and love you just as you are. Simple as that.

Being fat doesn’t mean living a radical life. There could be no place in your dating life for you to lead a fat activism movement. Living a beautiful life as a person of size takes courage. The power is in your hands. Take time to figure out what feels good for you, and your self-esteem will soar as you refuse to compromise basic respect for crumbs of love. It’s not you or your body that needs to change; it’s the system we inherited.

Love,

Kiara!