“And so she stayed!”
One of my friends could not keep admonishing herself for what she believed was powerless to change.
Many years have passed during which she lived with abuse but could not take any action to stop it. She was in a confused, manipulated, depressed, beaten, and tired state. Often she had periods of being okay, happy, and thinking that the sun was shining. She also thought that her relationship was not that bad, and perhaps if she just keeps the peace, it will be perfect again…
In her boyfriend’s eyes, she quickly went from being the most beautiful and independent woman to someone who is incompetent and miserable. She had feelings of love and loyalty towards him that caused the cognitive imbalance.
She could never comprehend that the person she was in love with was deliberately destroying her. The trauma started bounding her. She felt guilty. But because she loved him, she wanted to spend the rest of her years with him, and hence, she mended and tried fixing things. There were times when she believed that her abuser was a good man and capable of change. But, this situation took a massive toll on her. In this process, her reality was slowly stripped away with any confidence and self-esteem she had left. She was depressed, sleep-deprived, anxious, and hollowed out. Her world became smaller and smaller, and the outside place a frightening world for her. But when things became worst, she took the plunge and left this abusive relationship. She thought that “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” and that she should be her savior… So, what are the signs of domestic violence?
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Warning signs of domestic violence:
- Constant jealously
- Explosive temper always exist
- Blaming the victim for each and everything
- Sabotage of the victim’s ability to work
- Accusations of the victim flirting with other men
- Controlling what the victim wears and how they are responsive to a situation.
Types of domestic violence that happen:
- Sexual abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Psychological abuse
- Financial abuse
- Physical abuse
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WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
Leaving an abusive relationship is always difficult. In many cases, the person abusing you is someone you love, and at some point, there are many positive aspects of the relationship which make matters worse.
Most abusive relationships have a “cycle of abuse” that goes on repeating every time.
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REASONS WOMEN STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:
Distorted thoughts are one of the key reasons: Always being controlled and hurt is more traumatizing. It leads to doubts, confusion, and self-blame. People harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair.
- Broken self-worth: Damage to the self is a result of degrading treatment. Many women have been beaten down and have been told a couple of times that they are of no value.
- Fear: The threat of emotional harm is way more powerful. Abusers use this to control and keep women trapped in their ways. Female victims of violence are more victims that can be terrorized and traumatized. They are afraid to leave a bond because, their men make leaving an ugly drawn-out nightmare.
- Trying to be a savior, maybe: Many women have described a desire to help or love their ‘boyfriends’ with the hopes that they could change them. They always feel that they could fix their partner because a tough; situation had made them behave violently.
- Isolation: A common tactic of manipulative boyfriends is to separate their victims from friends and family. Sometimes this is physical, as one woman can experience.
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HOW TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
Let your family and friends know that you are ending your relationship: Even if you do not feel like talking about abuse, at least tell your friends and family that you are ending; your relationship. Also, that you need emotional support. Just let them know about it and ask them to check in on you.
- Just call a hotline number for your help: Times when you are not comfortable talking with someone you know, call one of the hotline numbers. Try speaking to someone who will help you and encourage you to leave your nightmares behind.
- Keeping all your documents safe: This includes your passport, PAN CARD, health insurance, and birth certificates in a safe place, preferably out of the home.
- Just memorize a few important contact numbers: It is important if in case you leave without carrying your phone.
- Changing your passwords of all your social media handles: Make sure that you change all your passwords of your social media handles.
- Blocking your partner’s number from everywhere: You may need to be in touch with your boyfriend again, but it is always best to stop communicating right after leaving those shackles of abuse behind.
- Keeping your emergency funds ready: Make sure that you have all your emergency funds with you. It includes your credit and debit cards too.
- Reminding yourself that you should not be abused: Just make sure that you write down this in a journal that you are important and you deserve not to be abused. Try re-reading the same para again and again because this will give you enough strength.
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HOW IS HEALING THERAPY USEFUL IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
Therapy is useful for many victims who are healing from their abusive relationship. They help in:
- Providing education on relationship abuse.
- Learning to differentiate between healthy and abusive relationships.
- Providing treatment for mental health conditions.
- Rebuilding your self-worth
- Providing you a safe space to share scary experiences.
Women have already been a part of this abusive relationship for years. So, before starting a relationship, always look for these “10 things in a man”.
When it comes to an abusive relationship many victims hesitate to speak, reasons can be endless. One of them is the constant fear of getting judged. But, hey, never find yourself alone, always speak up and break these abusive shackles.
