How to move on when waiting for closure?

Ahhh, closure.

It is a lingering question that breaks you apart and tears your heart out. Or maybe it is that feeling of vindication or a sense of completion-it can be very alluring!

There are times when seeking closure is important. If we are having an argument with our love, settling it can help save our relationship. But there are times in our life when we seek closure, even though it does not serve us. This desire holds us back. It happens in many relationships post-breakup. The size of the infraction may not matter. We simply, want to know who is guilty of the offense; we want to know why they did it. The desire to get closure in any given situation is human nature, and it is very normal. We humans find it very difficult to move forward if we do not have the kind of answers that we wanted. We feel being left behind without the chance to ask why or saying goodbye. At times we keep asking questions, we ponder, we wonder. We have thoughts that keep running through our brains about why we are not getting the response we desire. We keep cooking stories about why people are not responding in the way we hoped. And in doing these things, we continue spiraling downwards and hurting ourselves.  

How my things came to a halt:

Many moons ago, I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be unsavory. Things were pretty lovey-dovey in the initial years. But, as days passed, our relationship was losing its charm and, I use to feel that we were losing onto many things in life. Months went by, and then came a moment when I asked him for marriage, and to my surprise, this man stayed quiet without uttering a single word. Initially, I thought he had his issues to take care of, but then my entire universe collapsed when one fine day, he confronted that, he got engaged to a girl his family had chosen. At that very moment, I felt like my entire being died-if hearts could shatter into a million things-mine certainly did just that. I begged him to stay, to change his mind, I know I wanted to, but I do not know if I did because I felt it was a blurred moment like I almost blacked out. Those hurtful words were my reality as it set in, and those words cut me into pieces. I knew what he said was permanent, and I could and would never shake them from my mind. I wish I never heard it but, at the same time, I needed to hear to realize. I had no choice, and I had to move on. That night, everything was so fuzzy. I was trying to navigate my feelings of pain, anger, panic, finding for my answers, finding for my closures, and I had to acknowledge that something crappy just happened. In my case, it was essential for me to ‘digest’ the fact that he was gone. All I could do at that moment was, take a while, juggle with my demons and get back to my work with unanswered questions. In taking this route today, I have figured out how to find closure within myself instead of looking to someone else to give me.

 Sometimes, I feel that we humans are the only ones who decide what is major, or minor for us. We are all unique and have different experiences that have helped mold us. Something major for one may be minor for another, and vice versa. That is perfectly fine. The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others respond. It is to self-process and move ahead without thinking much.

WHAT WORKED FOR ME?

                 I was a complete Zombie for months trying to survive. I felt numb. I didn’t want to be with anyone more in my entire life than him. I used to scream out loud from the pain in my heart. I lost a few Kgs. But one day, when I saw myself in the mirror, I realized the amount of self-harm I did. With dark circles hovering over my eyes, a lean body, and a dead soul, I found that I was slowly killing myself. I was ending the real “ME” who had once learned to “LOVE” someone. So, instead of loving someone, I should start loving myself, that’s what I thought. I then focussed on ‘ME’, my work, and my energies. Also, I would like to add a few more things that helped me:

• Taking my control back: We should never expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. We get to take charge of them ourselves. So, for me, this included letting go of what people thought of me and practicing self-validation.
• Having a couple of friends who heal you: I had some good people in my life who healed me. They supported me, counseled me, and gave me a shoulder to cry on. They checked up on me and offered me their advice. I felt loved, happy and fine. And this was how even they added their bit in healing me throughout this process. Not to forget this, I am still healing though!
• Outings/vacations make you normal: To get out of the norm and see a different world will help clear your mind of the person you are missing. You visit new places, talk to strangers, hear from them, and get to experience a completely different world.
• Eliminating the unhealthy patterns and stepping into health: In the overall healing process, I gave myself time to think about what was lost and how I reacted, deciding what I might do things; differently and getting into shape. I choose to take care of myself by eating on time, sleeping on time, and choosing to do things that would interest me.

I know it is hard to let go of a relationship without closure completely. However, it is harder to hold on to a love that is dead already. Set yourself free from uncertainties and think about yourself. Try choosing a route that makes you strong and happy. Also, remember that life is a gift, and take things as they come!